Being Helpful After a Death

Spirit (Ling): Greetings.

We are not sure how long we will be able to talk tonight but at least we will get started, on the subject of ‘Death’, and finish if necessary at a later date. We are going to look at it from the point of view, of you possibly helping others.

Now instinctively you are going to want to say, and must not, “But he (or she) is not dead”. If people haven’t got your beliefs well and truly instilled into them, that they are positive that there is life after death, they are going to be very angry with you and possibly break up a friendship, because they are going to say, “He (or she) is dead, there is the body”. “He cannot take me into his arms”. “He doesn’t speak to me”.

That is true. The only comfort you can give at that time, is not by saying you’re sorry, or “You’ll get over it”, or “Time heals all wounds”… that doesn’t help.

Put yourself in that person’s place. You would reject also, understandably.

But if you merely put your hand on their shoulder, or if it is someone whom you really care for, your arms around them and just hold them for a minute, they will know that you care, that you understand. Words at that time are perhaps quite unnecessary.

The only sort of thing that you could possibly say that would help, may be something like, “I was always very fond of Tom”, or “ She was a very pretty little girl”, or “That person brought joy into my life”, little things like that…it would be perhaps on the spur of the moment, and something that you sincerely felt.

Even if you knew the person was an out and out rotter, the husband or wife, or mother, or father, may have loved that person. It might be difficult for you to think of something that you can say sincerely that you believe of them, but perhaps you could resort to the physical, such as, “He was a fine looking man”, “She was a pretty girl”, “He was a good (whatever his job was)”, something like that, as long as it’s the truth.

But that is in the first week, the first few days after the death. Then, we suggest, you leave it three weeks, a month, and then make a point of a visit, if you have not already done so. In the meantime you would be keeping up the same attitude.

However after a month, if they are people who haven’t coped (and many don’t), you may be able to help them. Start talking about the person, and then say, “Had you thought Jane, that it might be time to pack up his clothes, he won’t be needing them, and someone else could use them?”

Initially they may not want to do it, but as long as things like that are around, they are holding on to something that is no longer there, they are holding on to the physical, and once the physical is removed from the surroundings it should become easier, things perhaps like pipes, but not perhaps a musical instrument, because that would bring back memories of happiness. It may in some cases be a wise idea to get them to move, but not for some months. The physical must be moved… on the whole it is best!

If they are people who think like yourself, the fact that they are in the same home, they’d be happy, because they would realise that Tom, Dick, or Harry, was sometimes around… but it is a good idea to get rid of the personal things, like the clothing, the glasses, the toothbrushes, the make up. Get them interested, say, “Shall we clean up the bathroom cupboards today?” “You won’t need this now will you?” They may be a bit reluctant, but probably you would get a reluctant answer like, “Yes it is time it went”.

And perhaps once those things are removed, you could casually ask, “Do you ever feel Tom’s presence, do you feel he is still here?” and you will know by how they return your comment, as to whether you can carry it any further… but don’t push it!

It is a time of stress, a time of adjustment, it is also a time of learning, and individual people have to learn to cope with it themselves, but if they have the help of someone who really understands, who really cares, and after a while talks about, that loved person – it is a big help.

Well I think for tonight we will not carry it on any further.

God bless you and your circle, until we meet again.

Goodnight